Now that I've gotten that introductory post out of the way, welcome to my blog!
http://nate444.blogspot.com/2011_04_01_archive.html
Let me sing you a song... this blog is like an aria in an opera!
me as Leporello in Portland State's 2003 production of Mozarts Don Giovanni
I have some things to share and I've been sitting on this information for a long time.
My upcoming posts will go more into that.... however this post will share some about me.
I'm smiling here because its hard not to smile when with good friends at the beach. But before and after this picture I am barely holding the massive flood gate of tears I daily release.
In my life, I have been working through a lot of sadness.
I've never understood where this sadness came from...
though I do understand now that its related to not being fully accepting and and self loving.
In my relationships I've needily sought love from another to fill up this self created black hole
in my heart, to take care of me, love me because I don't know how to love myself well.
I am learning how to now more than ever before...
It is a spiral, a vortex of sadness by seeking love outside ourselves
Sadly, this undermined the most beautiful relationship I've been blessed to be in with someone.
Thankfully, this relationship is leading me to realization
that I AM the most beautiful relationship there is.
It is such a gift to receive this message, the underlying birth trauma pain that I've
carried all my life to own up to... really, what most of us carry as a heavy burden.
Indeed, in this relationship there is a deep rooted friendship that will always be true and loving. She touched my heart and mind in ways I have not experienced in my life. All that was dysfunctional, the form that held the relationship had to break so the healing waters of truth can be released.
I am still in a raw place, on my knees trying to pick up the broken pieces and crying to heaven above why this had to happen, even though I know why. Its traumatic to see something break apart and the pains of being separated from the one I know is my "soulmate."
From time to time I consult Doreen Virtue angel cards about this, and nearly every time..... with tears of confirmation.....
I pull the Soulmate card along with to Surrender and Release and to be in my Truth and Integrity.
Exactly whats going on... not just in my relationships, but in a larger sense for all of us.
The form, the dysfunctional vase we hold
tightly by denial of the truth cannot be contained forever.
When the truth is poured into a container that is strong in Love for being Love itself,
the waters that connect our hearts are held by truth.
Though this is all by design, a gut feeling tells me, our soulmate relationships don't skim the surface in soul growth. We are to grow as human beings and journey through the fires together.... in a way, we are all each others soulmates I feel as we are all walking through this fire of being humans on this planet.
In relationships, we fill our roles of being each others messengers, offering each other the anti-venom from the root of our poisons as John Welwood talks about in his book,
Perfect Love, Imperfect Relationships.
The basic premise of this work is that we are each others healers in relationships,
mirroring to each other our mother and father relationships and our own unintegrated emotional children that seeks "perfect love" from another that cannot be truly given but only for ourselves can we do this.
It is no wonder our divorce rate is so high! We are seeking the ideal mate in another, and when they do not live up to this Anima or Animas role we subconsiously seek, our "buttons" are pushed and we become reactionary often times instead of accepting who we are with and the gifts they bring us.
Of course, abusive relationships must move forward and we take personal responsibilty for our truth and integrity in being ourselves and embodied lovers. Otherwise, there is much suffering and poison. The anti-venom however is always there for us from these painful snake bites of "falling in love".
My partner often said that a healthy relationship is one when there is an equal exchange of energy.
To first have this ideal relationship with another, we need to have this with our own selves.
Many know how to be happy, at least content being in their own bodies, in the flow of life. However this is not so easy for those of us who do not know how to do this.
As the Presence Process book by Michael Brown says,
"we grow up by showing up, and show up by growing up'" I mentioned this book in my first post, so go read that again if you havn't.
I have a group of friends reading this and doing the daily breathing excercises. Its a 10 week process to be repeated three times.
Honestly, it should be appropriately called "The Crying Process" because all my friends have been integrating so much doing this that tears are symptoms of releasing these old charged unintegrated emotions and child selves. I stopped by a friend's house the other day and she was in tears, I was in tears, we are all just a bunch of basket of tears through the process!
So... go get the book if you dare cry... and hopefully move out of it with a greater sense of presence and self acceptance. I hope....
Oh sure, I am in counseling every week and have good friends. I am fine, though not feeling so fine... I am feeling more alive and moving through inward and outer transformation then ever before in my life.
I have an image of a butterfly in my room, the symbol of transformation to help get me through this.
Moving through struggle is part of being alive.
If we were to help the struggling butterfly to emerge from its cocoon, it would not be able to fly.
We are all moving through transformation at this time!
By nature, I came into this world as a bundle of joy. I was, like you, an emotional being until
reaching age six when the brain is being demanded by the world to enter into school and let go of this emotional body. In Waldorf education, from what I understand, the emphasis in these transitional years between six and thirteen is to keep the children in touch with their imagination, emotional selves, and less academic oriented. This approach is believed to foster a healthier development into adulthood.
I was always riding this truck or bathing nude at the pool in the hot Texas sun.
I was very fortunate to be born into my family. I love them no matter the dysfunction that plays out.
Its all part of the unfolding story of transformation.
I grew up in the Montessorri tradition for my first few years and again in middle school . It was similar though not really... it was definately more cognitive and linear in approach.
Sadness is a heavy energy to work with.
Looking outside the window, there are many beautiful things to appreciate
about this world. Though there are a lot of things to be easily sad about.
It was around age seven I began to tap into a lot of this sadness.
As a naturally sensitive and empathic person, I am likely more affected by things around me than most.
Being around difficult pesonalities, like most of my family members, I find it best to protect myself and keep at an arms distance. I wish I can say I can fully embrace my family, however I often feel hurt by their vibrational output, so my friends are my family moreso. Sounds familiar?
I have two parents who love me, I love them, and always supported me, which I am ever thankful,
though there is painful dysfunction in my family.
Dysfunction is still dysfunction. Pain is still pain, no matter how "together" it looks on the outside looking in.
Being slapped hard on my face by my mother when I was tired playing violin at age six is a deep emotional wound, no matter how many apologies are made. The emotional trauma is still here.
Intense and resentful screaming between step sisters and mother with doors slamming is upsetting.
It was a household of classical music only, so by the time I reached school I had a hard time relating with peers, was heavily teased for being so different, having grown up like an adult. I am thankful for all these experiences, to be "different" and hold no regrets. It is a wonderful childhood all said and done. However there is still significan dysfunction, and every family has it to some degree.
Walking on egg shells around my mother and sisters easily is traumatic and played out in my way of being with my romantic partners. My inner child would be fearful of being hurt, moreso I'd just be absent in myself in the relationship... hoping never to get into any trouble of any kind... my unconscious way to cope with the dysfunction going on around me.
In turn, I would be absent for myself and have a sense of no direction in life.
Scared to face my own "inner fuck" for so long, now doing it.
Makes me want to....
Silliness that makes me want throw up.
Scared to introduce a partner or have a child of my own to this family dynamic. I don't want to have kids.
Strong opinionated and ignorant right wing religious and political
differences obscure truth and desire to have a connection.
I have a part in this silliness as well in pushing it all away or wish to communicate sparingly.
My half sisters refuse to communicate with my mother for 12 years for a reason.
A heavy and angry personality in a parent is transferred to the child to integrate and work with as an adult.
In pyschology I understand this is referred to as a child working out his parents shadows.
No matter how much forgiveness is made, the emotional charge of sadness and not feeling
heard, seen, or believed is the wish of all children within us.
When these children are not met, they rebel.
Ultimately in this story-- sadness, hurt feelings, detachment, and frustration reigns.
Concerned and confused Parents. Exhausted and frustrated child.
The story of my family is really nothing more than a reflection of society at large an our collective human family in dysfunction. I love everyone in my family, though that doesn't mean I don't protect myself particularly being a highly empathic person.
Thankfully, there is a higher level of being together available to us, meaning all things change and we are not our stories we convince ourselves.
“No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it.”
Through this proceess we realize that the answers we seek are at a level of awareness slightly above the dysfunction. When one member of a family unit seeks healing and integration of their child selves, this vibrational alignment is gradually felt in the family and creates opportunities for heart connection.
Though this may take many years, perhaps lifetimes.
Being in this world requires great strength, especially at this time.
I am certain that consciousness is eternal, that we are not our bodies,
just as we are not our cars we drive.
This is what I believe...
As soul beings, we select our parents, our friends, our place of birth and all the experiences
to move through in our lives... especially those tough decisions of how to BE and discover ourselves.
We all grew up with dysfuntion around us. The gift in this is to find what is the functional self in this and to discover the power of knowing how to BE. Not that I speak this with a great deal of confidence right now... I feel kind of like Homer.
"oh Fuck...dont touch the red button, don't touch the red button... DOH!"
I say this however with enough confidence partly from personal inward experience (meditation), gut feelings,
researching "near death experience" survivors like Dannion Brinkley, Gregg Braden, Ned Dougherty, Shelley Yates, and a small handful of people I've personally met. Often times they are completely transformed when they come back to this reality, though often face a lot of trials and tribulations with holding the information they received (like "end times" we are in) and being functional in this fucked up society.
The resounding theme of their stories of walking through the veil of Heaven and Earth is that we are by nature all abundant in joy in our natural state. As multidemensional beings we however have the gift (and perhaps a curse) to experience the opposite of joy in a place like Earth.
WHY?
Perhaps there is a profound gift in remembering our natural state of being while in a state of forgetfullness
where we can easily sway to depression, a feeling of loss, dis-ease, and conflict? All experiences are valuable teachers to awaking to our selves within this dream world (as Quantum physics suggests) and, excuse me...
start to own our inner fuck.
(again, read my first blog if that charged word seems out of context).
I am quite honest in saying here in public, I feel fucked up.
and I am owning that feeling
BUT... I am alive and working through and owning this feeling.
That is at least the first step. Getting better at feeling doesn't require me to feel good right away.
Actually, it means coming to terms with how I've felt for a long time and making a clear resolve to move through it and UP to the surface to breathe at last.
Moving stuck and suppressed energy to the surface is like oil rising up in the water.
As I do this for my own life, I hope this may serve as a roadmap for you among others who have done this work. Keep reading my blog.
Now is time for me to awaken more to simply being happy to be by myself, self supportive,
self caring, responsible.
This is a vulnerable thing to share, yet its something I feel many of us share in common.
It is a collective dis-ease, a collective dream played out in our lives and on the world stage.
What I am realizing in this process is that
my sadness is the result of being reactive instead of being responsible for my experiences. Within me are ignored and abused children, emotional beings, that I have suppressed and denied soul food nourishment as a parent comforts his or her own child, saying
"Its okay sweetie, I love you, I am here for you, you are safe and loved."
This is what I am saying to my sad seven yr old to teenage selves right now.
Just yesterday while at Breitenbush hot springs I jumped several times between a hot tub
to the cold plunge tub in massive tears, gradually releasing through physical body the pains and traumas
of unintegrated emotional children that have been screaming out through nightly shaking in my bed with tears.
Back and forth I went from hot to cold, crying profusely, awakening to these children within who have been neglected.
I have to move through this. The way UP is through.
In a geeky reference, its like Gandalf the grey and fellowship having to move through the mountain instead of bypass the path over the mountain (aka Spiritual bypassing... like thinking "all is well" will make it well new age nonesense).
The brave warrior must first confront the dragon standing in the way, guarding the treasures of the heart
and these children held captive by fear of being seen for who they are.
By not moving through the depths of the mountain and retrieve my inner children, I have unconsciously given the drivers keys to these unintegrated emotionally traumatized children the scary role of navigating in this confusing world.
As the little girl tried to be like daddy, she played with the gears and the car started to roll backwards down a steep San Francisco street..
"Uh oh" said the little girl, as the car sped in neutral gear downward and crashed into someone's house.
A consequence of parental neglect.
This is what we do to ourselves by leaving the keys in ignition for our abandoned inner children who seek to be in control when things are dysfunctional.
This is, on a grander scale of things, the root cause of our world's suffering as we have given power to leaders (corporations) who have less than wholesome interest in our safety, who create perpetual wars, and a sick society on a troubled Earth reflecting the pains of its children who have long ago lost connection and respect for her. These "leaders" are manifestations of our collective unintegrated emotional bodies.
we are all children at the heart of it all
Because we have not given a fuck to our inner children who's emotional development was ignored largely after age six or seven as they met the demands of linear thinking and the strict suppression of day dreaming and artistic expression, we have become more like our machines... supposedly on track to be overtaken by them!
No, this will not happen.
Though our world at this time certainely gives one pause to see a future like many of our sci fi movies suggest... a world of cyborgs roaming the earth, enslavement of humanity, a Matrix or Terminator like reality.
No, this will not happen.
Our Mother Earth is speaking up right now.
We are all about to be humbled.
These tears I shed daily I feel are preparing me for the tears YOU will be feeling if you are not already
as our world falls apart.
We are all to enter into a collective compassion for one another if we are to move forward and through this.
A new Earth will arise. I don't know what exactly that is, though I feel it.
Things that are false in this world will be broken for the truth to be set free.
Like my relationship, the vase has to break for the truth to be set free
and all that is illusion be seen for what it is.
We are all fortunate to be having this experience, no matter how gut wrenching it is.
Our guts are becoming exposed in our "failed" relationships, our "lost" jobs, our "abandoned" and foreclosed homes, and the "deaths" of our collective illusions that we have held onto like fools gold.
This blog of mine may not be up for long... this internet may not be available to use,
the electricity in your home may not be on much longer,
the food you take for granted often times at the grocery store will not be available,
and the cars you drive will not have gas.
Somehow, I just feel it, everything is going to be alright--- and it is now.
As we come closer to moving through the mountain, remember you are not alone,
you have your children to integrate and love.
"The way out is through" says Presence Process.
"Its okay sweetie, I love you, I am here for you, you are safe and loved."
This is one way to play an active role in being part of the
solution and healing for our planet.
To be part of the change we wish to see.
Heal thyself!
Final global meditation of three stages per Shelley Yates near death experience 11/11/11 11:11 am GST
http://www.firethegrid.com/
As I sit here finishing this blog, the music being played at the coffee shop is
"Everything is going to be alright!"
And so I believe that, and so it is.
Even in physical death, there is nothing to fear but fear itself.
I end this blog with a quote from the great late demented comedian, Bill Hicks, a prophet.
The world is like a ride in an amusement park, and when you choose to go on it you think it's real because that's how powerful our minds are. The ride goes up and down, around and around, it has thrills and chills, and it's very brightly colored, and it's very loud, and it's fun for a while. Many people have been on the ride a long time, and they begin to wonder, "Hey, is this real, or is this just a ride?" And other people have remembered, and they come back to us and say, "Hey, don't worry; don't be afraid, ever, because this is just a ride." And we … kill those people. "Shut him up! I've got a lot invested in this ride, shut him up! Look at my furrows of worry, look at my big bank account, and my family. This has to be real." It's just a ride. But we always kill the good guys who try and tell us that, you ever notice that? And let the demons run amok … But it doesn't matter, because it's just a ride. And we can change it any time we want. It's only a choice. No effort, no work, no job, no savings of money. Just a simple choice, right now, between fear and love. The eyes of fear want you to put bigger locks on your doors, buy guns, close yourself off. The eyes of love instead see all of us as one. Here's what we can do to change the world, right now, to a better ride. Take all that money we spend on weapons and defenses each year and instead spend it feeding and clothing and educating the poor of the world, which it would pay for many times over, not one human being excluded, and we could explore space, together, both inner and outer, forever, in peace.
